[Mr. Game & Watch]

“AH HA HA HA! Welcome ladies and germs to the MC Ballyhoo Variety Hour!” A series of flashing lights lit up the ordinary late night talk show stage. The camera pans out, showing the wild crowd cheering and clapping at the announcement. As it dies down though, it circles back to the host himself as he dances atop his desk in a can-can fashion. What looks to be a very clear stunt double does a backflip, landing and hiding behind the desk, MC Ballyhoo popping back out and holding his hands out with glee.

“And boy, do we ever have a show for you tonight! I’m your host, no introductions needed, and this one on my head is my co-host, Big Top! Say hello to our audience, Big Top!”

“I didn’t agree to host this show.”

“AH HA HA! Oh that Big Top, always quick to the punch line!”

“That wasn’t a jo-”

“Contractual obligation also isn’t a joke! Anyways, let’s get this show on the road! As I was saying, we have quite the lineup for all you lovely Life Sphere residents! That variety in the title isn’t just there to grab your attention, we have everything from contests to interviews with the greatest heroes around our lovely community, so you better stick around to hear all the hubbub about our little hub!”

“Because no one would bother to watch if there were no rewards…”

“Nonsense, Big Top, watching is the reward!”

“So is the headache that comes with it.”

The screen cuts to a title card, a generic versus logo between two silhouettes. Immediately after a bell dings a new title gets slapped over top of it. It reads:

DREAM BATTLE

“AH HA HA! My favourite segment! As veteran announcers for the Sunshine Stadium, Big Top and I are equipped with the sharpest tools of the trade! We can tell how a fight will turn out based on the two combatants! So, for this segment we will be theory crafting a battle between some of the toughest heroes and villains all around this bubble of ours!”

“…So somebody else did our research for us?”

“Please, Big Top, we’re experts! And the two combats, or should I say three, we have today are Nanu and Papa vs Corrin! What a match we have today!”

“Isn’t two against one kinda… not fair?”

“They fight as one, Big Top!”

“So that makes cheating fair, gotcha…”

“Exactly! Now, I will present everything I know about Corrin and you will extend your knowledge on the Ice Climbers and we’ll see who wins based off that! Now, I don’t know where to begin! You know you’re facing a skilled fighter when they choose to go into battle barefoot! He is so confident his finesse that he knows he won’t possibly step on anything dangerous! He can also transform into a dragon! That’s not even a fair fight anymore! Dragons breathe fire and fire melts ice! Not to mention that he is an experienced fighter, Big Top! Going to war is his birthright! He commands an army back on his home world! Big Top, your counter argument!?”

“You win.”

“Oh! Big Top you didn’t even do a proper analysis of your fighters!”

“My job is to negate everything you say, I don’t know why you’re surprised…”

“First segment on our new show and you already derailed it! SIGH! Well, if you want to know how the real deal will go down, maybe Corrin and the Ice Climbers will oblige! Keep your eyes on the Sunshine Stadium folks! Anything’s possible! Cut to commercial while we try to sort this out!”

---

“Tired of bombs that don’t stick to things? Do you need something that’ll injure your enemies, but not right away? Well look no further than the Gooey Bomb! Slow enemies? Nail’em with the Gooey Bomb and they’ll be hopeless to try and get rid of it! Interested? Head on down to King Goomba’s Item Depot today to get one for 100 Coins! Deals so crazy that you’ll think you are!”

Once thrown, the Gooey Bomb will fuse itself to its target. This item has an added accuracy bonus of +2. This item takes 2 turns before it detonates, in which time the target can transfer it by tagging another fighter with it. The target must succeed a DEX roll to get rid of it, however, opponents can dodge or Bubble Shield to avoid getting stuck by the Gooey Bomb. Base damage is 25%, however, the bomb is very finicky, every failed attempt at getting rid of it will increase its damage output by 5%.

---

“AH HA HA! And welcome back! You’re just in time for our special news bulletin, we have quite a few things to go over, so this’ll be brief! A hoard of monkeys have ransacked the Life Sphere! An infestation of simians! Be wary citizens, the very person sitting next to you could be a monkey in disguise! In other news, Samus wears dresses!?”

“…That’s newsworthy?”

“Indeed, Big Top! But regardless of your fashion sense it’s not as egregious as the fiends over in the Mushroom Ruins! Reports are in and it seems that some outside organization is stacking resources and planning to usurp the Life Sphere!”

“Oh no, a group is trying to destroy or usurp the Life Sphere. What else is new?”

“I’m sure your sarcasm will be more than enough to fend them off, Big Top! But that’s not all! An organization known as GENSEC has apparently stolen a lot of Life Sphere loot! Straight out of our pockets! Why, Big Top, my pockets are empty as we speak! Those fiends!”

“Well, I don’t have any pockets, so I won’t worry about it…”

“But you should be concerned, Big Top! A certain machina that helped a certain android at a certain hospital has gone rogue and we need one more able body to stop it! Oh, Big Top, what stressful times we live in! We need some heroes to intervene with these criminal activities!”

“…I couldn’t follow anything you said just now.”

The next title card presents itself as a standard lotto machine. The hand crank on the side of it churns and turns until a ball pops out, flying towards the screen, the text upon it displaying:

RAFFLE KERFAFFLE

“Ah, and now we move onto my favourite segment! The Raffle Kerfaffle! Every citizen of Li has what’s called a ‘post count’ on their citizenship card! I have no idea what it’s for, but it doesn’t always stay the same! To participate in the Raffle Kerfaffle, we’ll be asking our audience to look at their ‘post count’ numbers and see if the last two digits match the numbers we call out! The first audience member that calls in gets their hands on a brand-new car!”

“That brand deal didn’t go through, remember?”

“Brand deal!? I said the lucky winner gets 200 coins!”

“…Gotcha.”

“Just call 1-800-BIG-TOPS to claim your prize, so long as you call in first!”

“Oh, so we’re using my number for that, thanks…”

“You’re very welcome! Now, your number is 10! Anyone with a ‘post count’ ending with 10 can claim your prize within the next two days!”

This title card begins as a blank black space, a set of pictures of Ballyhoo speaking with a variety of different stars from around the Life Sphere. The slideshow ends with a close-up of Ballyhoo with his arm around a silhouette with a question mark on their face, the title below it reading:

CATCHING UP WITH:

“And finishing off our bombastic first episode, we have my favourite segment! Remember those exclusive interviews we promised earlier tonight, well, look no further! You better have your grip tight on your seat because you might just fly right out of it! Tonight we are Catching Up With: Shade!”

“…What?”

The camera pulls back to reveal a couch next to MC Ballyhoo’s desk, presumably where his interviewee would sit if there was one.

“Hm! I could’ve sworn I sent out that invitation…”

“You do know that he actively avoids public attention, right?”

“That’s nonsense! Everybody knows that ninjas are the flashiest fighters around! Besides, this would have been a perfect opportunity for everyone in the Life Sphere to get to know him better!”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure he’d love that. Maybe we could interrogate him over that thing that he stole from Black Shadow’s base that he never turned over to the proper authorities, I’m sure he’s dying to tell us why.”

“Well then! Look for an exclusive interview next episode folks! We’ll be searching far and wide for some of your favourite celebrities! And hey, if you want to book an interview, Big Top’s just a simple call away!”

“I’m changing my number after this…”

“Good night ladies and germs! As Mama Ballyhoo would say “hate your friends, love your enemies!””

[Mr. Game & Watch]

The scene is pitch black, as though a void in empty space. Feet clatter from stage right as MC Ballyhoo enters. He looks around conspicuously, looking to his wrist as though he was wearing a watch. “Why, Big Top, do you know what time it is!?”

“…Is it MC-” Big Top answered as wooden as a tree.

“It’s MC Ballyhoo’s Variety Hour!” he sang with a twirl. The camera quickly zooms in on MC Ballyhoo’s face until it cuts to the title screen with text saying just that. In the background is fleeting footage of the various stunts that Ballyhoo and Big Top performed as announcers. The music comprised of mostly trumpets blaring a catchy theme, that was also a bit generic in terms of talk show themes.

It finally cuts back to Ballyhoo behind his desk on the talk show stage, blowing kisses to the audience. Unfortunately, a few kisses came flying back at him, like a Pokemon attack. He quickly ducked out of the way, a loud crashing sound erupting in the distance because of it. “They love me too much, Big Top! AH HA HA! Ahh, welcome folks! That’s right! We made it past our pilot! And if you liked that, boy do we have a follow up for you!”

“…I’m really sorry for you if you liked the last episode… get out now while you still can.”

“Rule number one folks, never listen to Big Top! Actually, I think we might just have our best episode yet tonight!”

“Is that really an accomplishment? We only made it to our second episode.”

“Big Top! The charts show that sequels are never better than the original! Interest rates plummet after the first episode!”

“Gee, it’s almost like people watch something and realise they don’t like it and then never watch it again…”

“To the people not watching: You better tune in tonight because you’ll be missing out!”

“Excellent save…”

The screen cuts to a title card, two silhouetted boxers trading blows until one of them falls over. The fighter on the ground has a thought bubble sprouting from their head. In big bold letters, it reads:

DREAM BATTLE

“AH! Still has that new segment smell! Yes, ladies and germs, it’s time for us to do this segment for real! Using our unique expertise, we will analyze two different figures from around the Life Sphere and pit them against each other on the field of imagination! Today’s magnificent matchup is Ghor against Spy!”

“…The matchup everybody has been clamouring for… I guess? I guarantee you nobody in our audience can even picture who you’re talking about.”

“How can anybody forget Ghor!? He helped build the Absolution!”

“…Well, at least he’s famous for something…”

“This is an easy one! While Ghor might be a trained soldier, an experienced bounty hunter, and has a hulking mech suit, he stands very little chance against Spy! You see, he has the benefit of invisibility! How can you hit a target you can’t see!?”

“Well, if I had a giant war-mech I would just flail around for a couple minutes, you’re bound to hit something…”

“Impossible! If you’re invisible you might as well be invulnerable! Ghor would be more likely to dirty the Spy’s suit and that would only make his situation worse! Besides, all it would take is one use of the Spy’s sapper and BOOM! His mech is trashed! It might as well be garbage day in the arena!”

“That is surprisingly well researched…”

“Or you might say, shockingly!”

“…I hate y-”

---

Static transitions to a futuristic laboratory. The sound of glass cracking alerts the team of scientists causing them to drop their clipboards and run in fear of a sudden screeching. “The Metroid is loose!” one of the lab assistants cried in fear. “Why did we put it in the most easily breakable glass case!?” another whimpered before the flying terror began to munch on their face. The camera zooms back to get a bird’s eye view of the lab, watching as all the scientists became snacks for the creature.

“What could be more effective than a Metroid?” the narrator added while the screams of horror were muffled into background noise. “It’s yours today for the low low price of 300 Coins! Make a trip over to King Goomba’s Trade Depot today! Watch out for Metroids though!”

The creature only needs to strike and if it manages to latch on it will stay in place for 4 turns. The initial lunge has an accuracy roll of 13 WIS and if it lands it will drain the life energy out of the target and act like a level 5 Flower Status. If the summoner succeeds a CHR check of 17, the Metroid will see them as a trustworthy ally and distribute some of the foe’s life force to them. 1d10 + CHR Mod.

---

“Before we get into our next segment, I think it’s time we dig into some news! With these new updates to I.O.N.! Following the defeat of Sting Chameleon, the hostages were saved, thus the case of the Invisible Menace was closed! One lingering thread is that among the hostages was the trophy of a giant unidentified monster!” Ballyhoo took a huge gasp of breath as a sudden ‘dun dun dun’ sound clip played in the background.

“…They couldn’t at least give a description? We would have an easier time identifying it if we knew… well anything really.”

“What about unidentified monster do you not understand, Big Top!?”

“Was it a giant question mark or something? How do we not even know its basic body structure?”

“Unidentified! Anyways, in other news, a group of vaguely aligned misfits managed to infiltrate the Azure Sanctuary! During their journey they found and recruited an ancient magician! Hopefully they know some food spells because those would be quite helpful!”

“Wait, didn’t that happen like a long time ago, how is that a recent update?”

“Big Top, we don’t make jokes about the Police Force being lazy because its going out of style!”

“…You know its bad when even Ballyhoo doesn’t stick up for you…”

“They do their best, Big Top! Speaking of people doing their best, it seems that the heroes adventuring in the Hyrule Crater weren’t up to snuff! Especially after being transformed into Cuccos! That makes no sense to me, Big Top! Cuccos are the most fearsome animal in all of Hyrule!”

“They’re chickens, what’s so fearsome about them?”

“You can’t just go around making up words like that, Big Top, no knows what you’re talking about!”

“What? Chickens?”

“We’re talking about Cuccos, what is this ‘chicken’ you keep talking about?!”

The screen transitions to a big green recycle symbol, the arrows circling around until a capsule pops out of it. The capsule is gold in colour and glows as it opens itself up, popping out of it is the text:

RECYCLING RECALL

“AH HA HA! Welcome to our first new segment of the show! Don’t worry folks, Raffle Kerfaffle will make its comeback! But let’s dig into this new fresh concept! On this segment of the show, we will be asking the audience to send in some items and in return we will be giving out exclusive new items!”

“We had a segment called Raffle Kerfaffle? What does that even mean?”

“Recycling Recall! Today we’re asking for the audience to send in three Green Shells! If you have please send it to Postal Code B1G 7O9!”

“Oh, we’re handing out my Postal Code to the audience now too… grrrrrreat.”

“Thanks for biting the bullet! Speaking of! Trade in those three Green Shells and in exchange you’ll receive the Triple Shell! A collection of shells that will protect you in addition to giving offensive capabilities! What more could you ask for!?”

“My colleagues to stop giving out my personal information?”

Screen cuts to black, a cardboard cut out of Ballyhoo dangling from the ceiling like a puppet. A blank silhouette soon accompanies him and the puppet shambles toward the figure, holding a microphone up to his mouth. A speech bubble emits from the figure, the text reading:

CATCHING UP WITH:

“Alright folks! We come down to our first real final act, with our first real guest! You all asked for it, so we have it for you! It’s our honoured first guest, Shade!” MC Ballyhoo announces displaying his hand to the empty couch once more.

“…He’s not going to show up. Please stop before he tries to assassinate us.”

“How many invitations do I have to send this guy!? Sigh! I suppose I knew this would happen… Which is why I had a backup plan! Yes my loyal viewers, Ballyhoo could never steer you wrong, so today I have our other honoured guest Cup-”

“Pit, it’s Pit. Clap everybody.”

On Big Top’s command, the audience clapped, almost robotically. The stage lights spun around until it focused on the curtains at stage right, awaiting their esteemed guest to walk onto the stage and take a seat next to Ballyhoo’s desk.

[Mr. Game & Watch]

A giant fist knocks at the screen, the reverberating glass being quite audible to the camera’s onboard mic. The hand is swiftly whisked away as a pair of gigantic orange lips soon took its place. “KEPT YOU WAITING, HUH!?” was loudly announced, the audio being nearly blown out due to how close the source was to the mic.

“Quick, change the channel” a voice echoed from what sounded distant compared to the first voice.

“Too late!” the lips shouted as they backed away, revealing a black background. “Your television set is now locked onto this channel! It’s The MC Ballyhoo Variety Hour!” the Master of Catastrophe shouted as he posed and a series of fireworks set off behind him, illuminating the backdrop with the show’s title on it.

“Aaaaand I’m already on fire, new record” the sentient hat lamented. MC Ballyhoo laughed in jest, but as soon as he could feel the heat on his head, he ran off stage and the camera zoomed in on backdrop until it ultimately faded to black and transitioned to the talk show set with a blare of trumpets set to their catchy theme song.

“AH HA HA HA! Welcome back folks! This is your beloved host, MC Ballyhoo! Coming at you live in glorious 240p! As always, let’s hear it for my healthy and definitely not burnt co-host Big Top! Our special effects team worked hard on that opening!”

“…Like we have a special effects team.”

“Shush, Big Top, our HR Department watches this show!”

“You’re convincing no one that our staff is more than just the two of us…”

The screen fades to white, zooming out once it’s a solid colour to reveal that it’s a thought bubble. A boxing glove punches through the thought bubble, shattering it. The boxing glove continues its path until it smashes against the screen, revealing the title.

DREAM BATTLE

“Ah! Time to get back to the basics, Big Top! Let’s start off with everyone favourite segment:” Ballyhoo paused and held a hand to his ear as though he was expecting the audience to finish his sentence. It was met with silence. “Dream Battle, yay!” he muttered out of the side of his mouth.

“…You know you’re supposed to give the audience a prompt beforehand, right?”

“I gave them a prompt! Bah! Anyways, Dream Battle is the segment of show where we use our Sunshine Stadium expertise to dream up a concept battle between two of the Life Sphere’s fantastic fighters! And boy do we have a matchup for you! The shellcore master Alex Kidd versus the seductive Seriri!”

“Would I be phoning it in if I said I had no idea who either of those people are?”

“Yes”

“That doesn’t change the fact that it is the truth.”

“Well! Let’s get this show on the road, shall we!? We’ll have to deeply analyze their strengths, and I think Alex Kidd might have a leg up on this one, on the account that he has legs, giving him a much greater advantage! His opponent can’t even walk!”

“…What if they’re battling in water?”

“Big Top, don’t be preposterous! We here at the Life Sphere fight on dry land! Seriri hasn’t even a sliver of chances! Even if we take that away, Alex Kidd only needs to land one punch on her! You see, based on this photo I found of Alex Kidd, I have calculated the mass of this rock based on its size compared to his body and I have determined it’s VERY heavy! For him to be able to lift this rock he must be pretty strong, ergo, he must be able to punch with a force equal to his ability to lift this rock!”

SPOILER: Click to show

“…That is certainly some flawless math…”

“If not for that one photo, this might have been a close match, but clearly, Alex Kidd is the victor! Mayhaps we’ll see this match up in the flesh, but for now, that is the final word!”

---

A wayward adventurer zips through the fields of Li, skipping along like they were Little Red Riding Hood heading over to grandma’s house. As they exit screen right the background transitions from day to night as though someone pressed the fast forward button. The wheezing explorer re-enters the screen, a purple aura beginning to form around them as their pace weakens. With one last gasp of breath, the adventurer falls face first into the ground as disease consumes them.

The screen turns black and white as a mushroom man walks onto the scene. “Every day dozens are lost to the Starvia” he speaks solemnly. “Breathing the toxic fumes of Li’s air and mingling with Starvia on a day to day basis without using any sort of protection. Do you want to be another statistic?”

Suddenly a big blue text bubble consumes the screen and the Li Gas Mask is put front and center. “Order your Li Gas Mask today!” a bubbly voice interjects.

A one size fits all mask that expands and changes its shape to fit any face with the press of a button. Protects the user against airborne contaminants that might harm them, such as the Starvia or spores. The filter will only hold out for three turns where it actively blocks airborne contaminants, after which it ceases to be effective until it is taken off and washed thoroughly with contaminant free water. The action of cleaning consumes your entire turn and will be interrupted by any knockback. Also of note, it's entirely possible for an enemy to simply break your gas mask if you use it during combat simply by aiming an attack at your face.

---

“We interrupt our regularly scheduled program for a series of important public service announcements! Those of you job hunting out there, fear not! We have a set of missions looking to be fulfilled! First on the docket, the order of no quarter… err… no wait that was a couple weeks back, the Belmont Clan is looking to set up base within the Life Sphere and need to kick out the old tenants!”

“Wait… Is that the same place that the knights tried to purge the monsters from… and now there’s new monsters?”

“They’re like bedbugs, Big Top, no matter how hard you try to get rid of them, they’ll always come back!”

“…Why do people want this place so badly? It just sounds like a hassle to continuously boot monsters out of your basement…”

“Speaking of hassles! Remember that comet that crashed into Harvest Acres!?”

“The what? Why am I only hearing of this now?”

“Well, it looks like its glowing or something! I think we should probably have a group of people go check that out! More specifically people who can smash things because by the sound of it there are things to be smashed!”

“Yeah, don’t worry about the fact that there’s a giant comet crashed into the one place where we grow food, I’m sure that’s not important…”

“And you’ll be excited to know! We have a follow up to the unidentified monster from our last news session! A blue star has been spotted above the Life Sphere, and it is theorized to be the unidentified monster! Shantae has already embarked to find the beast!”

“…If we didn’t know what it looked like before, how do we know it’s the same one? New monsters show up every other day”

“But Big Top, this one will wreak unparalleled disaster onto Li!”

“How could it do worse than blow up the planet or infect every living being with a mind control plague?”

“It says unparalleled, Big Top! Nothing will equal its devastation, but there can certainly be worse!”

The screen transitions to a mystical orb, pink mist shrouding around it as text begins to blur from within it. The Theremin in the background continues to increase in volume until the title gets into focus, it reads:

RAFFLE KERFAFFLE

The scene returns to the talk show set; however, all the lights are off. The only source of illumination is a flickering candle next to MC Ballyhoo and his eerily glowing crystal ball. Like a fortune teller, MC Ballyhoo glides his hands around the spherical object. “As we return to Raffle Kerfaffle, things get a bit spookier on the Variety Hour!”

“…No kidding. I don’t know where you got that thing, but I feel like it might be real…”

“Look into the ball, Big Top, and you may see your greatest wishes or your worst fears! It rewards you based on your willpower!” MC Ballyhoo commanded as his eyes glazed over the orb. A blurry image appears at its center. Ballyhoo’s hands work harder at harnessing its power, bringing focus to the image until it reveals itself to be Funky Kong’s grinning face. Without a moment’s hesitation, Ballyhoo grabs the ball and tosses it across the room, pure vitriol in his complexion. The lights flick back on and the host’s face returns to a jovial expression “AH HA HA! Faulty equipment! Anyways! Every citizen of the Life Sphere has what’s called a ‘post count’ on their citizenship card! We’ll be asking everyone to look at their citizenship card as we call out two numbers, if they match the last two numbers on your ‘post count’ then you will be rewarded 200 coins! Since we didn’t have a winner for our last Raffle Kerfaffle, we’ll be stacking up our prizes, making the reward 400 coins instead! That’s a pretty penny if I ever saw one!”

“You broke the crystal ball, how are we drawing a number?”

“Nobody wanted to see what number came out of that ball, Big Top! It was cursed! I always come prepared!” he announced as he pulled a tiny piece of paper from under his hat. “The number is 12! If your ‘post count’ ends in 12, you have two days to claim your prize!”

The screen transitions to a letter fluttering in the wind until it gets shredded by a fan blade. The pieces float to the ground, falling in a precise manner until the bits of paper spell out the words:

FAN MAIL

“We’re going for a vanilla episode today, so no special guest star tonight folks!”

“So… All of our episodes have been vanilla episodes then?”

“Vanilla is a very popular flavour Big Top! Besides, we were having difficulties getting our scheduled guest star on tonight!”

“…He’s never going to be on our show”

“Shade will be our honoured first guest on the show! We just have to think like a ninja! Anyways! Instead we’ll be looking at our Fan Mail! Our first letter comes from Mr. Game & Watch! Such an honour! The Life Sphere’s original hero himself! Big Top, I hear your eyes rolling, be respectful!”

“…I’m sure whatever he has to say will be insightful”

“Ahem! BEEP! BRRRRRIIIIING, BOOOOP!”

“I think you pronounced that last one wrong…”

“BEEEEEEP! RIIIIING! Signed Mr. Game & Watch.”

“…Did he actually sign it like that?”

“Yes”

“…I’m starting to think he knows other languages and just chooses to be incomprehensible.”

“That’s no way to talk about our fans Big Top!”

“You don’t even know if he said anything positive about the show.”

“Fans can say anything positive or negative about the show! Just send us an e-mail at [e-mail] and we’ll read and answer your letter on the show!”

“…You must be so proud about that segue way.”

“That’s all we got for you tonight folks! As Papa Ballyhoo always said…”

“…You gonna finish that sentence?”

“That’s really all he said, I never met him!”