Post by Mr. Game & Watch on Jun 25, 2021 17:00:10 GMT -8
Enter a dark lit room, outlines of several podiums all lined up in a semi-circle formation. A stage, silently sitting, waiting for the show to begin. The quiet echo of pistons shifting enter the eardrums of the audience. A small section of the floor opens, revealing a small platform that rises just in front of the stage. A spotlight snaps on, blinding at first, but as it settles, it reveals the host, the man of the hour, MC Ballyhoo. With a wide smile, he welcomed the audience with wide and open arms. “AH HAH HA! Welcome you wonderful folks! Welcome one and all! Tonight, we have a brand-new show for you all, an exciting new venture in our catalogue of shows! You all know me, so, Big Top, would you do the honours of rolling out our introduction!?”
The sentient top hat looked a bit puzzled. “Aren’t you supposed to be dead? Or, trophy-locked, whatever…”
“Hah ha ha! Big Top, you should know by now, continuity can never hold down the Master of Catastrophes! Besides, this is non-canon anyways!”
“Ah, so this is pointless.”
“Big Top, this is the entertainment industry, of course its pointless! Anything to keep the existential dread from creeping in! Now, since you seem to be adamant about sidetracking us, I’m taking the intro ball back! AHEM! As we all know, the Life Sphere is the most prestigious city on this side of Li, a picture-esque metropolis that everyone wants in on! Citizenship doesn’t come easy though, some people have resorted to smuggling themselves through the Slot Shop! It got my producers thinking, ‘hey! We can turn anything into a game show, right!? How about we exploit homeless people and their insistent need for shelter by pitting them against each other in a popularity contest!? Just slap Ballyhoo and his hat on as co-hosts and we’ll make a mint!’”
“… That is a surprisingly jaded joke coming from you.”
“What joke? I’m quoting my producers word for word.”
“Wow, was I in that board meeting? Sounds like I was in that board meeting.”
“Anyhoo! Let’s bring on the show! It’s time for… DEPORT! THAT! WHELP!” As Ballyhoo belted out the title, a flashy title card appeared, those exact words being sprawled across the screen. It cued an upbeat tune, composed of triumphant trumpets and a jazzy piano.
Once the title had a fair enough of screen time, it cut back to the stage, which was now brightly lit and showing the six podiums proudly. The camera focused on the first podium in line, just as Waluigi fell from the sky, letting out a “waaaaaaaaaah!” before he plopped down onto the stage. The camera panned across the stage, more people dropping from the rafters and behind their podium. Second came Soraka, then Omega, followed by Vector, Riki, and finally, a Zelda, one of them.
As the triumphant music quelled and the camera zipped back to Ballyhoo, the audience’s applause died down. The esteemed host took a bow and then spun around, looking to the contestants on stage like he was a conductor of an orchestra. “AH HA HA! You know, I suggested the name ‘Who Wants to be a Life Sphere Citizen?’ But my producers insisted that audiences would be more interested on who gets deported rather than who gets the citizenship! If it were up to me, I’d give you all a place of residence, but then again, that might be why they don’t let me work in the immigration department!”
A distant rimshot could be heard.
Waluigi was the first to take to his podium, specifically so that he could slam his fists against its tabletop in utter disgruntlement. “WHEH! No fair! This is the third time Waluigi had to fight for his citizenship! Waluigi never see stupid police chief or Lame & Watch have to put up with this!” Waluigi barked with a sneer.
Big Top’s eyelids were at half mast when his pupils scrolled over to Waluigi with contempt. “I think you of all people should be aware of how lousy your luck is, Waluigi.”
“They’re cheating the system! It’s only fair that Waluigi get to cheat the system too!”
Ballyhoo put up two pausing hands. “Woah now! Let’s not get testy! We haven’t even started the game yet! You can all get as testy as you want then! We’ll start by getting to know each of our contestants! How this works is that I’ll be giving the floor to one of the six members you see standing before you, interviewing them about what they plan to do once they become a citizen, and various other questions about the Life Sphere and their life! Looking down at your podium, you’ll notice a big red buzzer! At any point during the interview, you may buzz in to lend your thoughts and opinions on what the interviewee has said! Won’t that be fun!?”
As Ballyhoo relayed the instructions, all of the other contestants managed to stand themselves upright and looked down upon their podiums. Well, all except Riki, who was instead looking up at his podium, hopping constantly in an attempt to loom over his standee like everyone else.
Ballyhoo clapped his hands together. “Right! With that understood, let’s go to our first interviewee! The Starchild herself, Soraka!” as he spoke, his hand splayed out, presenting the lilac skinned medic. She stood properly behind her podium, but looked a bit confused as the lights trained on her grew brighter.
Waluigi slammed his fist against the podium again, this time pointing to the horned celestial being beside him with much angst. “Wheh! Why does the stupid unicorn goat girl get to go first!? Waluigi’s number one” he complained further, pointing at his podium to illustrate that it was the first in the lineup. “Is it because she’s more purple than Waluigi!?”
“Easy now, Waluigi. Most of the Life Sphere already knows you! We want to start fresh! Introduce the audience to someone they haven’t seen before!”
“And yes, it is because she’s more purple.”
“WHA!” he uttered, bemusedly throwing his hand. He crossed his arms in disposition, his head gazing off in some vacant direction.
With Waluigi’s interruption out of the way, Ballyhoo turned his attention back to Soraka. He pulled the mic close to his big orange lips. “Now then! Starchild! Which star were you born from!? Was it Li’s sun!? Can you tell us if it exists or not!?”
At Ballyhoo’s first question, Soraka raised a finger and looked as though she was about to speak, but as the questions piled on, she looked more and more bewildered. “Oh, uh, well… Let’s just start with the first question” she laughed nervously. She looked a bit more composed when she gave herself time to prepare her answer. “I wasn’t born from an actual star, it’s metaphorical actually. I was a celestial, a being of the stars, given mortal flesh and a body. I communicated with the stars, they spoke to me and they heard me.”
“… Did they have anything interesting to say?”
“Depends on how interested you are in the fate of the universe and the design of the cosmos” she answered plainly, not detecting Big Top’s sarcasm.
“Yeah, sounds pretty boring.”
“I see, I see, and what do you plan to bring to the Life Sphere? What is modus operandi, your end goal?”
For this, Soraka stood dutifully. “To bring hope and healing. Even cut off from the stars I could feel the hold that the Starvia plague has over this planet. I can see the weavings of life, untangle those caught in its knots” she spoke passionately.
BRZZZZT.
The buzz arose from the next podium over, the camera quickly panning over to Omega. His metal fist was still tightly slammed against the button. “I have an objection. This plan of action has an insufficient amount of Eggman’s destruction!” the robot argued.
Soraka looked upon the synthetic lifeform with soft eyes, her mouth rolling to one side. “Well, I can’t say I know what an Eggman is” she responded elegantly.
With a pausing hand, Ballyhoo turned to Omega. “Now Omega! We can talk plenty about Eggman on your turn, but we’re talking about Soraka’s plan of action! Try to contest or compliment what she’s saying instead of starting a new topic!” Ballyhoo then returned his attention back onto Soraka. “Please, continue! How do you plan to bring hope to our citizens?”
Soraka nodded. “There’s no singular way. I’ll have to attend to multiple people, understand their source of misery and remedy the best I can from there.”
BRZZZZZT.
The camera pans back to Omega once more. “There is, in fact, a singular way to restore hope, the complete annihilation of Eggman!” he argued with a raised, shaking fist. “Every wasted minute spent here is one that could be more efficiently used in tearing apart the machinery he has infected the Life Sphere with! This fleshy meatbag’s ideas of compassion is limited in comparison to my extensive arsenal that could easily annihilate any issue the Life Sphere is faced with!” Omega’s bright red eyes locked onto the camera. “Listen closely, observers, your options are weak fleshy creatures or the ultimate machine. My destructive yield far surpasses anything they could muster. There is no choice.”
“… Could someone just unplug his button? He’s just going to keep doing this.”
Deep with concern, Soraka’s eyes fell to Omega. “Who hurt you?” she questioned with compassion.
“My armour plating renders most forms of attack useless! No one is capable of hurting me!” he boasted, slamming his fist against his chassis to demonstrate. “If my word does not suffice, I challenge you to dent my armour!”
Soraka shook her head. “You’re filled with so much hatred. I pity how blindly you perceive the world” she spoke with genuine despair. “You are more than your lust for revenge. More than your hatred. It is easy to give into hate. If it’s a challenge you seek, then challenge yourself to choose an option aside from violence. True strength is solving your problems without bending to the whims of patterns, the patterns of war, the patterns of violence. Have hope in something besides your ability to dominate” she spoke passionately and from the heart, her hands balled at her chest.
Omega stood in silence, his optics slowly wavering from one end of the room to the next. An air of quietness flowed through the auditorium, waiting for Omega to make his counterpoint. He shifted his head forward and closer to the microphone attached to his podium. “I concede” he stated simply, though with a begrudging undertone.
Soraka lightly bowed her head to the robot. “Thank you.” She ended with a slight twinge of a smile.
Ballyhoo mashed his hands together. “Excellent! HAH HA! I think that was some good daytime television, Big Top! Thank you again, Miss Starchild! Keep us posted if you ever hear from Li’s sun, we’re all dying to know what it’s up to!” Ballyhoo suddenly looked into the camera, a mysterious tune playing as the screen slowly crept into sepia tone “if it exists!” his tiny squinted eyes darted back and forth.
The camera zoomed back out as MC Ballyhoo’s platform rotated, positioning him so that he was now facing the other end of the room, the three other contestants that had been mostly silent up to this point. There was actually a reason for that, being that the Zelda was fast asleep, resting against her podium as if she was taking a snooze on her desk during class. Riki was still struggling to get his head over the podium, let alone reach either his mic or buzzer. Meanwhile, Vector was bobbing his head in place, jamming out to the hip hop blaring through his headphones.
“Looks like our little furry friend is having some trouble!”
“Yeah, it’s almost like we should have made a podium to accommodate for his size. Why would we ever do that?” Big Top’s pupils continued to bounce, mimicking the motion of the heropon.
“Ahem! Mr. the Crocodile, if you could please!?”
Vector’s head jolted to attention at the sound of his surname being mentioned. He searched for Ballyhoo, turning his attention to the contestant beside him as the host pointed to him. “Got it!” Vector reached over to the standee next over, grabbing Riki by the head with his gigantic hand, plucking him off the ground and onto the tabletop.
Riki let out a sigh of relief. “Hoo! Good, Riki almost tired!” he spoke squeamishly, but with a smile.
“AH HAH HA! Not almost tired enough to be our next interviewee! Let’s start from the top this time, shall we!? Riki, the heropon, what is your first order of business once you become a citizen of the Life Sphere!?”
Holding a joyful expression, Riki motioned toward the microphone enthusiastically, right up until his stomach growled something fierce. As if to protect his belly, both his regular hands and his ear(?) hands began to rub around it in swirls. “Ooooh, too much jumping make Riki hungry. First thing Riki do is get food! Fill up Riki’s belly good!” he explained with a determination in his eye as he bared his fangs.
Big Top’s eyes rolled. “Hate to break it to you, but the Life Sphere’s one big refugee camp. Food’s pretty scarce.”
Shock blew across Riki’s face, eyes wide as his little feet stomped about like a distressed Animal Crossing villager. “What!? No food!? Oh, how Riki survive?” he questioned in alarm. As he stewed in his thoughts though, a lightbulb formed above his head. “Ah! Life Sphere not know how to find food! Riki good at finding food! Riki show Life Sphere how to find food! Solve all the problems! Riki is heropon!”
BRZZZZT.
Following the sound of the buzzer lead back to Waluigi, whose head was shaking furiously. “Wheh! Make stupid furball shut up! Waluigi tired of listening to him! Waluigi get it, furball’s name is Riki! Waluigi doesn’t need to hear stupid furball’s name constantly!” he lamented loudly, gripping both of his fists tightly.
Riki’s face puffed up in anger, his wing hand reaching for his club-like biter stored on his back and readying it as if he was about to club someone with it. “Ooo, purple hom-hom want fight! Heropon beat Waluigi good!”
In response, Waluigi raised his fists, rolling them about like an old-timey boxer. “Wheh! Dog toy doesn’t even reach Waluigi’s kneecaps!”
BRZZZZZZT.
Vector’s massive fist was still plastered to the button when the camera panned over to him, looking visibly annoyed. “Either take it outside or stop shouting at each other from across the room! I got a six-year-old buzzing around my office that’s more mature than either of you, and I can’t believe anyone else could give me a worse migraine! Now knock it off before I bite someone’s head off!” Vector bombastically ordered, curling his arms as if to show off his muscles.
Both Waluigi and Riki blew each other off, making their appropriate grunts and scoffs. They sheathed their weapons for the time being. Vector sighed now that peace and silence had won for the moment, rolling his head back once more to listen to his tunes.
“’Lets put buzzers in, it’ll spark discussion.’ Right, I love me a good shouting match…” Big Top scoffed. Out of curiosity, his eyes peeked over to where the Zelda was, and, yep, her head was still smack dab on the tabletop, out like a light. “… She’s one heavy sleeper.”
MC Ballyhoo’s smile remained wide, nodding along with everything that was happening. “It’s all gold, Big Top! Conflict for the sake of conflict, that’s good television!” Returning his attention to Riki, Ballyhoo whipped out a book, non-descript and ancient in appearance. It was so vague it might as well have been blank, likely because it was a prop. Slapping on some tiny spectacles, Ballyhoo briefly gazed upon an open page and placed a finger on a line of it. “Now, it’s told that you have a big family, do you have any family in the Life Sphere?”
It seemed that the sour mood that Waluigi brought on was quickly swept away as the question posed to Riki got him hopping about and excited looking once more. “Oh yes! Riki have littlepon living in Life Sphere! Littlepon help with Life Sphere defenses!”
“And what’s the little guy’s name!?”
“Shulk!”
“GASP! THE CIRCLE MAN!”
While Ballyhoo was flabbergasted, Big Top looked skeptical. “… Shulk’s your son?”
Riki nodded, showing off a proud and toothy grin. “Adopted littlepon. Before Riki met Shulk, Shulk lose family. It make Shulk sad. Riki has big family! Riki adopt Shulk, so now Shulk have big family! No need to be sad!”
BRZZT.
The camera panned back to Soraka’s podium, a gentle hand hovering over her buzzer. “I wish to add to Riki’s statement.” She respectfully bowed her head toward Riki. “I see your status as heropon proceeds you. The mark of a true hero is a hero that is strong enough to show compassion.”
Off to the side of the screen, Omega could be seen pounding his buzzer in rapid succession, however, no noise was actually coming from it.
Riki could be seen dancing in place. “Riki like purple lady too! Purple lady very nice!” he complimented as he hovered in the air, flapping his wings excitedly.
Waluigi could be heard making gagging noises in the background.
“AH HA HA HA! Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, heropon Riki! I’m sure the audience at home would agree! Love to stay and chat longer, but we have a very distinct time slot to fill, so… ONTO THE NEXT CONTESTANT!” he loudly announced as the triumph trumpets returned. His miniature stage blissfully swung to the right, but not really not much further. It was honestly a little underwhelming considering the fanfare.
The music ceased, though Ballyhoo was still jiggling along in place. He smacked his big meaty lips and pointed to the sleeping Zelda with an enthusiastic finger. “We have a very special guest this evening, one of royalty! Say hello to our latest Princess Zelda!” he cheered, guiding the audience’s applause with his own. “Now, the Life Sphere is no stranger to Zelda, in fact, we have quite a few of our own! We’ve had vanilla Zelda, deluxe Zelda, dark Zelda, and even a ghost Zelda! Tell us, what’s your gimmick that’ll set you apart from the others!?”
The brunette Zelda remained faced down, cheek firmly against the countertop and a bit of drool seeping down the side of her lip. She was out cold. Her lips parted though, letting out a deep “*SNORE!*”
“AH HAH HA! Stupendous! Wonderful! That’ll surely break up the status quo! As the newest Zelda though, you’ll have to break a few boundaries in order to rise to the ranks the others have gotten themselves to! The audience and I are both curious, what’s the first thing that you’ll do as a citizen of the Life Sphere!?”
“*SNORE!*
“Oh yes, I’m sure with all of your responsibilities, your first order of business would be to take one big nap! That’s something we can all relate to! But seriously though, what’s the angle to your approach?” Ballyhoo asked quizzically, holding his mic out like a reporter.
“… I don’t think you’re going to get much out of her until she’s awake…”
An expression of shock lit up Ballyhoo’s face. “Why, I think you’re right, Big Top!” His head turned to Vector. “Mr. the Crocodile! We’ll be needing your assistance again!”
The grooving crocodile was snapped out of his trance once more, eyes bobbing about until they fell on the scene of Ballyhoo trying to interview the sleeping Zelda. “Here we go!” he announced as he speedily shuffled across the stage. He held his hand out as he moved, Ballyhoo tossing his microphone into Vector’s palm as if it was instinct. He halted next to the princess’s podium, holding the mic to his mega maw. He cleared his throat. “Now this number I wrote based on my own personal life experiences as a detective” he informed in a formal manner. He took a heavy breath. What came next was a whirlwind of sound, a chaotic chorus that ruptured the soundwaves bouncing across the room. There was a visual distortion of the airwaves in front of Vector and all around his target, Zelda. Anyone who was capable of hearing the storm of sound without plugging their ears out of desperation would make out “ERRR YAAH! VECTOR THE CROCODILE!!!”
When the dust settled and everyone felt safe enough to uncover their ears, they all looked upon Zelda, still fast asleep, though now her hair was a bit frazzled by the sonic waves that had bombarded her. Vector gazed upon her with awe, then curiosity. He tapped a finger against his chin, then gave the princess a poke. The slight force of his finger was enough to make her limp body lose balance, toppling onto the ground with a mighty flop. Even still, she was fast asleep, as evident by her continued snoring.
“Oh, uh, sorry miss” Vector apologized gently, stepping backward to give her some space.
Springing up from his duck and cover routine, MC Ballyhoo looked just as shocked as Vector. “WOAH! I heard of some heavy sleepers, but this takes the cake!” he blabbered while readjusting his hat. “Well, she is a princess, mayhaps she’s under a spell! If we’re talking princess fairy tale spells, that means it must be true love’s first kiss that will wake her! But who would be brave enough to do so!?”
“We should get the robot to do it.”
“On daytime television, Big Top!? That’s way too spicy!”
The camera cut back to Omega, who was standing behind his podium rather blandly. It took him several seconds to even realize that the camera was focusing on him. Once he did though, he turned his head to it. “Exposing human flesh to my audio output module would likely result in electrocution” he informed simply.
“Oh, that’s fine, she’s hylian, not human!”
Omega’s optics froze in place, as if Ballyhoo’s statement had locked him into a logic loop. His head turned to Zelda, optics uncaring. “If you insist” the machine answered with a shrug. Hust as he was about to lumber off though, Soraka’s arm shot out to grab him by the shoulder. While her physical strength was not enough to pull him back, the mere action itself convinced him to cease his movements. His head rotated all the way around, staring down the Starchild. “Laying hand on my chassis is sufficient parameters for violence” he warned, raising his opposite arm and retracting his hand.
Soraka shot Omega with a look of disapproval. “Would you just-” before she could finish that sentence, Waluigi sprinted directly through the two of them, staving off the altercation. They both turned their heads to follow Waluigi’s path.
“Oh yeah, Waluigi time!”
Waluigi was racing directly across the stage, his lanky legs taking massive strides, almost as if he was galloping. As he moved, the pulled his hat off, slicking his hair back like the prince charming he was. He snatched a rose from his suspenders, placing the stem between his teeth. His signature laugh could be heard under his breath.
He slid onto the location, bumping Vector out of his path. He elegantly knelt down at Zelda’s side, turning her over and onto her back, resting peacefully. With a slick flick of his wrist, he plucked the rose from his mouth and presented it to the sleeping princess. “Wah-lo beautiful” he charmed with a hint of charisma. He chuckled to himself, gently placing the rose on her torso, then moving her hand over top of it. His eyes were calm and inviting. He loomed over her body, prepared to do the deed, but halted for a moment. He breathed into his hand and then wafted it, sampling his own breath. That split second decision would prove instrumental. The foggy cloud that was his breath seeped through the gaps between his fingers, gently floating downwards until they met Zelda’s nostrils. Her nose flared.
In an explosion of consciousness, Zelda jolted to the land of the wakened, body shivering and face horrified. “By the goddesses!” she shrieked as she cupped her hands around her nose. “What smells of eggplant and garlic!?” Her eyes darted upwards, gazing upon the grinning face of Waluigi, which was mere inches away from her own.
“Wah” he breathed in an attempt to seem alluring.
“Ugh” Zelda mouthed as she tried to sink her head through the floor. Her hand reached out to Waluigi’s face, gently and slowly pushing it away.
Dejected, Waluigi let out a small “aw” and scuttled backward. His general posture became quite slack, head lowered in disappointment.
Confusion settled in, Zelda slowly regaining her footing and returning to her post at the podium. Her eyes took a long gander at the room, spanning from corner to corner, as if lost.
“AH HAH HA! Welcome to the land of the living! Now that you’re awake, we can continue the interview!” Ballyhoo greeted as he hopped to his feet.
Zelda nodded, slowly, still a bit unsure about what was going on, but was willing enough to follow along.
“Stupendous! Let’s reel it back to where we left off! What is the first thing you’d do as a Life Sphere citizen?”
The princess placed a dainty finger to her chin, eyes rolling upwards in deep thought. “Well, uh, I can do for some snackage” she answered blissfully, a nod of reassurance for her statement.
BRZZZZZZZZZZZZZT
BRZZZT
BRZZT
BZZT
The camera panned back to Riki, who was pounding away at his button like a madman. “Riki agree with hom-hom! Riki want snack too!” he shouted, trying his best to fight the sound of the buzzer ringing through the auditorium.
“Annnnnd now his buzzer is disconnected too. Glad we made that a feature.”
“AH HA HA HA! Well, I guess that’s the best answer we’re going to get! That’s right folks, we hit our time for today’s episode!” Ballyhoo announced as he spun around, his platform inching back to the center of the auditorium. “Remember folks, the power’s within your hands, which of our lovely contestants are going to move on!? Which of them will be deported back into the outskirts of Li!? Well, you’ll find out next time. Who knows, maybe they’ll all get the boot and we’ll have a brand new cast of characters for you to get attached to!”
In the background, Waluigi could be seen scuttling back to Zelda’s podium, shoving her out of the way and commandeering her microphone. “Hey! You forgot Waluigi! Big mouth say he was going to interview Waluigi! Waluigi prepared speech about life story!” he blustered in outrage, pulling a folded up piece of paper from the front pocket of his overalls. In haste, he began to unfold the wad of paper, flapping it out in front of him.
The camera’s focus remained on MC Ballyhoo, swinging his fist in an ‘awe shucks’ motion. “That’s all we have for you now! Remember kids, brush your vegetables and eat your teeth! We’ll see you on the next DEPORT! THAT! WHELP!” as he spoke those words aloud, the audience chanted along with him, the triumphant trumpets returning to drown out the sound of MC Ballyhoo’s laugh.
The spotlights flared with multiple colours as the contestants all looked to each other and shrugged, well, aside from Omega and Soraka, the former had converted his left arm into a gatling gun that was whirling with anticipation, while the latter was in a combative stance, as if ready to leap out of harm’s way with a moment’s notice.
All the while, Waluigi’s voice could be faintly heard over all the noise. “Waluigi’s woes started from the day of his birth!” While an eager eared viewer might have been able to decipher the rest of his speech if time was allowed, the camera zooming away from the stage and fading to black marked the end of the programming block. Perhaps Waluigi’s story would be told another day.
The sentient top hat looked a bit puzzled. “Aren’t you supposed to be dead? Or, trophy-locked, whatever…”
“Hah ha ha! Big Top, you should know by now, continuity can never hold down the Master of Catastrophes! Besides, this is non-canon anyways!”
“Ah, so this is pointless.”
“Big Top, this is the entertainment industry, of course its pointless! Anything to keep the existential dread from creeping in! Now, since you seem to be adamant about sidetracking us, I’m taking the intro ball back! AHEM! As we all know, the Life Sphere is the most prestigious city on this side of Li, a picture-esque metropolis that everyone wants in on! Citizenship doesn’t come easy though, some people have resorted to smuggling themselves through the Slot Shop! It got my producers thinking, ‘hey! We can turn anything into a game show, right!? How about we exploit homeless people and their insistent need for shelter by pitting them against each other in a popularity contest!? Just slap Ballyhoo and his hat on as co-hosts and we’ll make a mint!’”
“… That is a surprisingly jaded joke coming from you.”
“What joke? I’m quoting my producers word for word.”
“Wow, was I in that board meeting? Sounds like I was in that board meeting.”
“Anyhoo! Let’s bring on the show! It’s time for… DEPORT! THAT! WHELP!” As Ballyhoo belted out the title, a flashy title card appeared, those exact words being sprawled across the screen. It cued an upbeat tune, composed of triumphant trumpets and a jazzy piano.
Once the title had a fair enough of screen time, it cut back to the stage, which was now brightly lit and showing the six podiums proudly. The camera focused on the first podium in line, just as Waluigi fell from the sky, letting out a “waaaaaaaaaah!” before he plopped down onto the stage. The camera panned across the stage, more people dropping from the rafters and behind their podium. Second came Soraka, then Omega, followed by Vector, Riki, and finally, a Zelda, one of them.
As the triumphant music quelled and the camera zipped back to Ballyhoo, the audience’s applause died down. The esteemed host took a bow and then spun around, looking to the contestants on stage like he was a conductor of an orchestra. “AH HA HA! You know, I suggested the name ‘Who Wants to be a Life Sphere Citizen?’ But my producers insisted that audiences would be more interested on who gets deported rather than who gets the citizenship! If it were up to me, I’d give you all a place of residence, but then again, that might be why they don’t let me work in the immigration department!”
A distant rimshot could be heard.
Waluigi was the first to take to his podium, specifically so that he could slam his fists against its tabletop in utter disgruntlement. “WHEH! No fair! This is the third time Waluigi had to fight for his citizenship! Waluigi never see stupid police chief or Lame & Watch have to put up with this!” Waluigi barked with a sneer.
Big Top’s eyelids were at half mast when his pupils scrolled over to Waluigi with contempt. “I think you of all people should be aware of how lousy your luck is, Waluigi.”
“They’re cheating the system! It’s only fair that Waluigi get to cheat the system too!”
Ballyhoo put up two pausing hands. “Woah now! Let’s not get testy! We haven’t even started the game yet! You can all get as testy as you want then! We’ll start by getting to know each of our contestants! How this works is that I’ll be giving the floor to one of the six members you see standing before you, interviewing them about what they plan to do once they become a citizen, and various other questions about the Life Sphere and their life! Looking down at your podium, you’ll notice a big red buzzer! At any point during the interview, you may buzz in to lend your thoughts and opinions on what the interviewee has said! Won’t that be fun!?”
As Ballyhoo relayed the instructions, all of the other contestants managed to stand themselves upright and looked down upon their podiums. Well, all except Riki, who was instead looking up at his podium, hopping constantly in an attempt to loom over his standee like everyone else.
Ballyhoo clapped his hands together. “Right! With that understood, let’s go to our first interviewee! The Starchild herself, Soraka!” as he spoke, his hand splayed out, presenting the lilac skinned medic. She stood properly behind her podium, but looked a bit confused as the lights trained on her grew brighter.
Waluigi slammed his fist against the podium again, this time pointing to the horned celestial being beside him with much angst. “Wheh! Why does the stupid unicorn goat girl get to go first!? Waluigi’s number one” he complained further, pointing at his podium to illustrate that it was the first in the lineup. “Is it because she’s more purple than Waluigi!?”
“Easy now, Waluigi. Most of the Life Sphere already knows you! We want to start fresh! Introduce the audience to someone they haven’t seen before!”
“And yes, it is because she’s more purple.”
“WHA!” he uttered, bemusedly throwing his hand. He crossed his arms in disposition, his head gazing off in some vacant direction.
With Waluigi’s interruption out of the way, Ballyhoo turned his attention back to Soraka. He pulled the mic close to his big orange lips. “Now then! Starchild! Which star were you born from!? Was it Li’s sun!? Can you tell us if it exists or not!?”
At Ballyhoo’s first question, Soraka raised a finger and looked as though she was about to speak, but as the questions piled on, she looked more and more bewildered. “Oh, uh, well… Let’s just start with the first question” she laughed nervously. She looked a bit more composed when she gave herself time to prepare her answer. “I wasn’t born from an actual star, it’s metaphorical actually. I was a celestial, a being of the stars, given mortal flesh and a body. I communicated with the stars, they spoke to me and they heard me.”
“… Did they have anything interesting to say?”
“Depends on how interested you are in the fate of the universe and the design of the cosmos” she answered plainly, not detecting Big Top’s sarcasm.
“Yeah, sounds pretty boring.”
“I see, I see, and what do you plan to bring to the Life Sphere? What is modus operandi, your end goal?”
For this, Soraka stood dutifully. “To bring hope and healing. Even cut off from the stars I could feel the hold that the Starvia plague has over this planet. I can see the weavings of life, untangle those caught in its knots” she spoke passionately.
BRZZZZT.
The buzz arose from the next podium over, the camera quickly panning over to Omega. His metal fist was still tightly slammed against the button. “I have an objection. This plan of action has an insufficient amount of Eggman’s destruction!” the robot argued.
Soraka looked upon the synthetic lifeform with soft eyes, her mouth rolling to one side. “Well, I can’t say I know what an Eggman is” she responded elegantly.
With a pausing hand, Ballyhoo turned to Omega. “Now Omega! We can talk plenty about Eggman on your turn, but we’re talking about Soraka’s plan of action! Try to contest or compliment what she’s saying instead of starting a new topic!” Ballyhoo then returned his attention back onto Soraka. “Please, continue! How do you plan to bring hope to our citizens?”
Soraka nodded. “There’s no singular way. I’ll have to attend to multiple people, understand their source of misery and remedy the best I can from there.”
BRZZZZZT.
The camera pans back to Omega once more. “There is, in fact, a singular way to restore hope, the complete annihilation of Eggman!” he argued with a raised, shaking fist. “Every wasted minute spent here is one that could be more efficiently used in tearing apart the machinery he has infected the Life Sphere with! This fleshy meatbag’s ideas of compassion is limited in comparison to my extensive arsenal that could easily annihilate any issue the Life Sphere is faced with!” Omega’s bright red eyes locked onto the camera. “Listen closely, observers, your options are weak fleshy creatures or the ultimate machine. My destructive yield far surpasses anything they could muster. There is no choice.”
“… Could someone just unplug his button? He’s just going to keep doing this.”
Deep with concern, Soraka’s eyes fell to Omega. “Who hurt you?” she questioned with compassion.
“My armour plating renders most forms of attack useless! No one is capable of hurting me!” he boasted, slamming his fist against his chassis to demonstrate. “If my word does not suffice, I challenge you to dent my armour!”
Soraka shook her head. “You’re filled with so much hatred. I pity how blindly you perceive the world” she spoke with genuine despair. “You are more than your lust for revenge. More than your hatred. It is easy to give into hate. If it’s a challenge you seek, then challenge yourself to choose an option aside from violence. True strength is solving your problems without bending to the whims of patterns, the patterns of war, the patterns of violence. Have hope in something besides your ability to dominate” she spoke passionately and from the heart, her hands balled at her chest.
Omega stood in silence, his optics slowly wavering from one end of the room to the next. An air of quietness flowed through the auditorium, waiting for Omega to make his counterpoint. He shifted his head forward and closer to the microphone attached to his podium. “I concede” he stated simply, though with a begrudging undertone.
Soraka lightly bowed her head to the robot. “Thank you.” She ended with a slight twinge of a smile.
Ballyhoo mashed his hands together. “Excellent! HAH HA! I think that was some good daytime television, Big Top! Thank you again, Miss Starchild! Keep us posted if you ever hear from Li’s sun, we’re all dying to know what it’s up to!” Ballyhoo suddenly looked into the camera, a mysterious tune playing as the screen slowly crept into sepia tone “if it exists!” his tiny squinted eyes darted back and forth.
The camera zoomed back out as MC Ballyhoo’s platform rotated, positioning him so that he was now facing the other end of the room, the three other contestants that had been mostly silent up to this point. There was actually a reason for that, being that the Zelda was fast asleep, resting against her podium as if she was taking a snooze on her desk during class. Riki was still struggling to get his head over the podium, let alone reach either his mic or buzzer. Meanwhile, Vector was bobbing his head in place, jamming out to the hip hop blaring through his headphones.
“Looks like our little furry friend is having some trouble!”
“Yeah, it’s almost like we should have made a podium to accommodate for his size. Why would we ever do that?” Big Top’s pupils continued to bounce, mimicking the motion of the heropon.
“Ahem! Mr. the Crocodile, if you could please!?”
Vector’s head jolted to attention at the sound of his surname being mentioned. He searched for Ballyhoo, turning his attention to the contestant beside him as the host pointed to him. “Got it!” Vector reached over to the standee next over, grabbing Riki by the head with his gigantic hand, plucking him off the ground and onto the tabletop.
Riki let out a sigh of relief. “Hoo! Good, Riki almost tired!” he spoke squeamishly, but with a smile.
“AH HAH HA! Not almost tired enough to be our next interviewee! Let’s start from the top this time, shall we!? Riki, the heropon, what is your first order of business once you become a citizen of the Life Sphere!?”
Holding a joyful expression, Riki motioned toward the microphone enthusiastically, right up until his stomach growled something fierce. As if to protect his belly, both his regular hands and his ear(?) hands began to rub around it in swirls. “Ooooh, too much jumping make Riki hungry. First thing Riki do is get food! Fill up Riki’s belly good!” he explained with a determination in his eye as he bared his fangs.
Big Top’s eyes rolled. “Hate to break it to you, but the Life Sphere’s one big refugee camp. Food’s pretty scarce.”
Shock blew across Riki’s face, eyes wide as his little feet stomped about like a distressed Animal Crossing villager. “What!? No food!? Oh, how Riki survive?” he questioned in alarm. As he stewed in his thoughts though, a lightbulb formed above his head. “Ah! Life Sphere not know how to find food! Riki good at finding food! Riki show Life Sphere how to find food! Solve all the problems! Riki is heropon!”
BRZZZZT.
Following the sound of the buzzer lead back to Waluigi, whose head was shaking furiously. “Wheh! Make stupid furball shut up! Waluigi tired of listening to him! Waluigi get it, furball’s name is Riki! Waluigi doesn’t need to hear stupid furball’s name constantly!” he lamented loudly, gripping both of his fists tightly.
Riki’s face puffed up in anger, his wing hand reaching for his club-like biter stored on his back and readying it as if he was about to club someone with it. “Ooo, purple hom-hom want fight! Heropon beat Waluigi good!”
In response, Waluigi raised his fists, rolling them about like an old-timey boxer. “Wheh! Dog toy doesn’t even reach Waluigi’s kneecaps!”
BRZZZZZZT.
Vector’s massive fist was still plastered to the button when the camera panned over to him, looking visibly annoyed. “Either take it outside or stop shouting at each other from across the room! I got a six-year-old buzzing around my office that’s more mature than either of you, and I can’t believe anyone else could give me a worse migraine! Now knock it off before I bite someone’s head off!” Vector bombastically ordered, curling his arms as if to show off his muscles.
Both Waluigi and Riki blew each other off, making their appropriate grunts and scoffs. They sheathed their weapons for the time being. Vector sighed now that peace and silence had won for the moment, rolling his head back once more to listen to his tunes.
“’Lets put buzzers in, it’ll spark discussion.’ Right, I love me a good shouting match…” Big Top scoffed. Out of curiosity, his eyes peeked over to where the Zelda was, and, yep, her head was still smack dab on the tabletop, out like a light. “… She’s one heavy sleeper.”
MC Ballyhoo’s smile remained wide, nodding along with everything that was happening. “It’s all gold, Big Top! Conflict for the sake of conflict, that’s good television!” Returning his attention to Riki, Ballyhoo whipped out a book, non-descript and ancient in appearance. It was so vague it might as well have been blank, likely because it was a prop. Slapping on some tiny spectacles, Ballyhoo briefly gazed upon an open page and placed a finger on a line of it. “Now, it’s told that you have a big family, do you have any family in the Life Sphere?”
It seemed that the sour mood that Waluigi brought on was quickly swept away as the question posed to Riki got him hopping about and excited looking once more. “Oh yes! Riki have littlepon living in Life Sphere! Littlepon help with Life Sphere defenses!”
“And what’s the little guy’s name!?”
“Shulk!”
“GASP! THE CIRCLE MAN!”
While Ballyhoo was flabbergasted, Big Top looked skeptical. “… Shulk’s your son?”
Riki nodded, showing off a proud and toothy grin. “Adopted littlepon. Before Riki met Shulk, Shulk lose family. It make Shulk sad. Riki has big family! Riki adopt Shulk, so now Shulk have big family! No need to be sad!”
BRZZT.
The camera panned back to Soraka’s podium, a gentle hand hovering over her buzzer. “I wish to add to Riki’s statement.” She respectfully bowed her head toward Riki. “I see your status as heropon proceeds you. The mark of a true hero is a hero that is strong enough to show compassion.”
Off to the side of the screen, Omega could be seen pounding his buzzer in rapid succession, however, no noise was actually coming from it.
Riki could be seen dancing in place. “Riki like purple lady too! Purple lady very nice!” he complimented as he hovered in the air, flapping his wings excitedly.
Waluigi could be heard making gagging noises in the background.
“AH HA HA HA! Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, heropon Riki! I’m sure the audience at home would agree! Love to stay and chat longer, but we have a very distinct time slot to fill, so… ONTO THE NEXT CONTESTANT!” he loudly announced as the triumph trumpets returned. His miniature stage blissfully swung to the right, but not really not much further. It was honestly a little underwhelming considering the fanfare.
The music ceased, though Ballyhoo was still jiggling along in place. He smacked his big meaty lips and pointed to the sleeping Zelda with an enthusiastic finger. “We have a very special guest this evening, one of royalty! Say hello to our latest Princess Zelda!” he cheered, guiding the audience’s applause with his own. “Now, the Life Sphere is no stranger to Zelda, in fact, we have quite a few of our own! We’ve had vanilla Zelda, deluxe Zelda, dark Zelda, and even a ghost Zelda! Tell us, what’s your gimmick that’ll set you apart from the others!?”
The brunette Zelda remained faced down, cheek firmly against the countertop and a bit of drool seeping down the side of her lip. She was out cold. Her lips parted though, letting out a deep “*SNORE!*”
“AH HAH HA! Stupendous! Wonderful! That’ll surely break up the status quo! As the newest Zelda though, you’ll have to break a few boundaries in order to rise to the ranks the others have gotten themselves to! The audience and I are both curious, what’s the first thing that you’ll do as a citizen of the Life Sphere!?”
“*SNORE!*
“Oh yes, I’m sure with all of your responsibilities, your first order of business would be to take one big nap! That’s something we can all relate to! But seriously though, what’s the angle to your approach?” Ballyhoo asked quizzically, holding his mic out like a reporter.
“… I don’t think you’re going to get much out of her until she’s awake…”
An expression of shock lit up Ballyhoo’s face. “Why, I think you’re right, Big Top!” His head turned to Vector. “Mr. the Crocodile! We’ll be needing your assistance again!”
The grooving crocodile was snapped out of his trance once more, eyes bobbing about until they fell on the scene of Ballyhoo trying to interview the sleeping Zelda. “Here we go!” he announced as he speedily shuffled across the stage. He held his hand out as he moved, Ballyhoo tossing his microphone into Vector’s palm as if it was instinct. He halted next to the princess’s podium, holding the mic to his mega maw. He cleared his throat. “Now this number I wrote based on my own personal life experiences as a detective” he informed in a formal manner. He took a heavy breath. What came next was a whirlwind of sound, a chaotic chorus that ruptured the soundwaves bouncing across the room. There was a visual distortion of the airwaves in front of Vector and all around his target, Zelda. Anyone who was capable of hearing the storm of sound without plugging their ears out of desperation would make out “ERRR YAAH! VECTOR THE CROCODILE!!!”
When the dust settled and everyone felt safe enough to uncover their ears, they all looked upon Zelda, still fast asleep, though now her hair was a bit frazzled by the sonic waves that had bombarded her. Vector gazed upon her with awe, then curiosity. He tapped a finger against his chin, then gave the princess a poke. The slight force of his finger was enough to make her limp body lose balance, toppling onto the ground with a mighty flop. Even still, she was fast asleep, as evident by her continued snoring.
“Oh, uh, sorry miss” Vector apologized gently, stepping backward to give her some space.
Springing up from his duck and cover routine, MC Ballyhoo looked just as shocked as Vector. “WOAH! I heard of some heavy sleepers, but this takes the cake!” he blabbered while readjusting his hat. “Well, she is a princess, mayhaps she’s under a spell! If we’re talking princess fairy tale spells, that means it must be true love’s first kiss that will wake her! But who would be brave enough to do so!?”
“We should get the robot to do it.”
“On daytime television, Big Top!? That’s way too spicy!”
The camera cut back to Omega, who was standing behind his podium rather blandly. It took him several seconds to even realize that the camera was focusing on him. Once he did though, he turned his head to it. “Exposing human flesh to my audio output module would likely result in electrocution” he informed simply.
“Oh, that’s fine, she’s hylian, not human!”
Omega’s optics froze in place, as if Ballyhoo’s statement had locked him into a logic loop. His head turned to Zelda, optics uncaring. “If you insist” the machine answered with a shrug. Hust as he was about to lumber off though, Soraka’s arm shot out to grab him by the shoulder. While her physical strength was not enough to pull him back, the mere action itself convinced him to cease his movements. His head rotated all the way around, staring down the Starchild. “Laying hand on my chassis is sufficient parameters for violence” he warned, raising his opposite arm and retracting his hand.
Soraka shot Omega with a look of disapproval. “Would you just-” before she could finish that sentence, Waluigi sprinted directly through the two of them, staving off the altercation. They both turned their heads to follow Waluigi’s path.
“Oh yeah, Waluigi time!”
Waluigi was racing directly across the stage, his lanky legs taking massive strides, almost as if he was galloping. As he moved, the pulled his hat off, slicking his hair back like the prince charming he was. He snatched a rose from his suspenders, placing the stem between his teeth. His signature laugh could be heard under his breath.
He slid onto the location, bumping Vector out of his path. He elegantly knelt down at Zelda’s side, turning her over and onto her back, resting peacefully. With a slick flick of his wrist, he plucked the rose from his mouth and presented it to the sleeping princess. “Wah-lo beautiful” he charmed with a hint of charisma. He chuckled to himself, gently placing the rose on her torso, then moving her hand over top of it. His eyes were calm and inviting. He loomed over her body, prepared to do the deed, but halted for a moment. He breathed into his hand and then wafted it, sampling his own breath. That split second decision would prove instrumental. The foggy cloud that was his breath seeped through the gaps between his fingers, gently floating downwards until they met Zelda’s nostrils. Her nose flared.
In an explosion of consciousness, Zelda jolted to the land of the wakened, body shivering and face horrified. “By the goddesses!” she shrieked as she cupped her hands around her nose. “What smells of eggplant and garlic!?” Her eyes darted upwards, gazing upon the grinning face of Waluigi, which was mere inches away from her own.
“Wah” he breathed in an attempt to seem alluring.
“Ugh” Zelda mouthed as she tried to sink her head through the floor. Her hand reached out to Waluigi’s face, gently and slowly pushing it away.
Dejected, Waluigi let out a small “aw” and scuttled backward. His general posture became quite slack, head lowered in disappointment.
Confusion settled in, Zelda slowly regaining her footing and returning to her post at the podium. Her eyes took a long gander at the room, spanning from corner to corner, as if lost.
“AH HAH HA! Welcome to the land of the living! Now that you’re awake, we can continue the interview!” Ballyhoo greeted as he hopped to his feet.
Zelda nodded, slowly, still a bit unsure about what was going on, but was willing enough to follow along.
“Stupendous! Let’s reel it back to where we left off! What is the first thing you’d do as a Life Sphere citizen?”
The princess placed a dainty finger to her chin, eyes rolling upwards in deep thought. “Well, uh, I can do for some snackage” she answered blissfully, a nod of reassurance for her statement.
BRZZZZZZZZZZZZZT
BRZZZT
BRZZT
BZZT
The camera panned back to Riki, who was pounding away at his button like a madman. “Riki agree with hom-hom! Riki want snack too!” he shouted, trying his best to fight the sound of the buzzer ringing through the auditorium.
“Annnnnd now his buzzer is disconnected too. Glad we made that a feature.”
“AH HA HA HA! Well, I guess that’s the best answer we’re going to get! That’s right folks, we hit our time for today’s episode!” Ballyhoo announced as he spun around, his platform inching back to the center of the auditorium. “Remember folks, the power’s within your hands, which of our lovely contestants are going to move on!? Which of them will be deported back into the outskirts of Li!? Well, you’ll find out next time. Who knows, maybe they’ll all get the boot and we’ll have a brand new cast of characters for you to get attached to!”
In the background, Waluigi could be seen scuttling back to Zelda’s podium, shoving her out of the way and commandeering her microphone. “Hey! You forgot Waluigi! Big mouth say he was going to interview Waluigi! Waluigi prepared speech about life story!” he blustered in outrage, pulling a folded up piece of paper from the front pocket of his overalls. In haste, he began to unfold the wad of paper, flapping it out in front of him.
The camera’s focus remained on MC Ballyhoo, swinging his fist in an ‘awe shucks’ motion. “That’s all we have for you now! Remember kids, brush your vegetables and eat your teeth! We’ll see you on the next DEPORT! THAT! WHELP!” as he spoke those words aloud, the audience chanted along with him, the triumphant trumpets returning to drown out the sound of MC Ballyhoo’s laugh.
The spotlights flared with multiple colours as the contestants all looked to each other and shrugged, well, aside from Omega and Soraka, the former had converted his left arm into a gatling gun that was whirling with anticipation, while the latter was in a combative stance, as if ready to leap out of harm’s way with a moment’s notice.
All the while, Waluigi’s voice could be faintly heard over all the noise. “Waluigi’s woes started from the day of his birth!” While an eager eared viewer might have been able to decipher the rest of his speech if time was allowed, the camera zooming away from the stage and fading to black marked the end of the programming block. Perhaps Waluigi’s story would be told another day.
